|Hami at the start of beautiful day|
I just miss Hamish. I miss him so much I don't know what to do with myself. I know I've said it a million times before (and thank you for listening every time) but I just miss him to my core. I still crave him like an addict who's gone cold turkey. Every ounce of me screams for him daily and my body is left wanting, my heart is left empty. It's a sentence for life that has only just begun. The hopeless futility of it all beggars belief.
|I miss this gorgeous, messy angel|
When there tsunami hits, there is nowhere to run, no escaping its brutal force. I just have to retreat to my room and let it's desperate sorrow wash over me and let the agony drip down my body. Luckily I am mostly alone when it hits, but sometimes my children bare witness to my overwhelming grief. As I gasped for breaths through sobbing the other night, my daughter came over and rubbed my back, my son gave me a sticker for being 'a good mummy' and handed me a photo of himself with his sisters to 'make me happy'. There they are again, my 'pin-pricks of light'.
There are more 'pin-pricks' from the unconditional love of friends, family and strangers. When a cooked meal arrives on my doorstep I instantly feel bad. I'm capable of cooking, this meal really should have gone to someone who needs it more than me I think to myself. Two hours later I'm sitting at my desk sobbing into my hands, grieving for my son, grateful to the inherently beautiful souls who will feed my family that evening. Randomly, my friends have arrived with flowers, cakes or sent me texts or messages letting me know we are not forgotten. I love you all so much. You, through your inherent goodness, give me hope that life is worth living. If not for me, than for my husband, my kids, my family, my friends and readers who will me into every new day.
|A particularly arduous shopping trip.|
It's about turning the horror into honour and the pain into purpose.
I won't manage it everyday, it's new, raw and exhausting. But I'll give it my damnedest.
Thanks for listening.