|My two beautiful boys. Hami always smiling.|
I'm having trouble keeping my emotions in check, and that in turn, is threatening my ability to empathise with other people. I just don't see 'troubles' the the same way I used to. Most of them are inconveniences, things that can be worked through over time and overcome. I want to give. I want to give as so many people have given to me over the last 3 and a half months. I want to pay it forward, knowing that little things can make a big difference. Unfortunately, I can't yet see outside of my own intense pain (at least just yet) and I guess today I recognised it.
|We tried to put on smiles for Hami's birthday in NZ.|
Unfortunately, I am living with the broken heart, with the fractured trust, and the battered life. At some point I will want to live my life again, with meaning, with purpose, without fear. Maybe I will, one day, but all I can do right now is breathe, to keep out of life's trivialities (or let them wash over me), and to love and take care of my family and hopefully myself.
Perhaps that's a good place to start in my 'new normal life' without my beloved boy. Perhaps I need to give myself a break, practice self-care and stop giving myself unrealistic expectations to live by. Maybe I need to stop setting high expectations of others and just accept them as they are, as people capable of great love, as I am.
Sorry, it's all rather 'on the couch' tonight. I guess healing has to start somewhere right? As my Psychiatrist tried to tell me the other day, "You don't have to be intelligent, rational and post-renaissance about it all. You just need to tell it as it is."
Thanks for listening.