Do you feel the pain I feel?Do you understand how much I crave you? Your touch, your face, your kisses, your smile.
Sometimes I feel so desperate for you, I sink to my knees, my will to live gone.
You've only been gone for a week, but I miss you so much.
I need to hear your laugh, your voice and feel you wrapped around me. But I have nothing. Nothing but deafening silence.
How do I live?
How do I go on without you?
You were my sunrise, my sunset.
I love your sisters and brother but how can I ignore the big, gaping hole you left?
How do I function?
Am I destined to be a robot, going through the motions, always feeling nothing but pain and emptiness?Will I have to pretend to be happy for the rest of my life?
I must put one foot in front of the other.
I must live every day, one after the other.
But I don't know how without you.
Tomorrow I say my final goodbyes and I can't bear to face it.
Tonight my chest is heaving with pain and my stomach is churning with dread.
I love you so much. Please stay with me forever more.
I can't live without you.
Mummy.
There are no words, Rachel...no words to say that will sound anything but hollow. My heart breaks with yours, though I know not even an iota of your pain. I read your message that day and felt punched in the gut. My kids rushed to my side as the sobs burst forth. We are both mothers, sharing this journey together, yet I can not even begin to imagine. All my love to you and your dear family. I will never stop praying for you. Ever. Psalm 46:10
ReplyDeleteThank you Susie, your love and prayers mean so much. x
DeleteThere are just no words xx
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something that I could say that would bring even the smallest comfort. In fact, I've scoured the internet to find such words and have come up short. There simply are no words. This is a long, long journey you're on. And it's so very hard. But you don't walk it alone. Praying hard that one day you'll be able to think of your precious Hamish and the smiles at his memory will outnumber the tears. I also hope that you'll be able to find some solace in your writing.
ReplyDeleteI've decided writing is the only way I can recreate the beautiful memories I have and to get through the immense pain I fell. Thank you Jodie for being with me every step of the way. Rx
DeleteI echo the words above - both that there are only inadequate words and that I am praying for and thinking of you and your family during this time and on the journey ahead. x
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel. I'm so, so sorry to hear your awful news. Nothing can make it better for you, but I wanted to send you some love. And prayers x
ReplyDeleteThank you for your love Beth. x
DeleteSo very, very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI send you love and I wish you some peace. Such a terrible, terrible thing. I pray in time that coping come more easily to you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a nightmare I never wake up from. Thank you Rx
DeleteI am beyond sorry for you loss. I am also at a loss for words, simply because there are none. All the love in the world to you.
ReplyDeleteJen, via babymac
Oh Rachel. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteMy eldest boy is also Hamish.
No mummy should ever have to experience what you're experiencing. I just cannot fathom the cruelty and agony. I know that my words can't really make a difference, but please know that my thoughts are with you and that I wish wish wish things were different.
xox
I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you much love from your cyber friends. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Rachael
ReplyDeleteI came here via BabyMac.
I am do sorry to read about your beautiful baby Hamish. I don't know if anything I say can make you feel better, but lnow that I am thinking of you.
I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I will be praying for you and your family, and wishing you are being watched over
ReplyDeletejust to let you know we are thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteI don't know the words to say to you, except I am thinking of you, your family and your gorgeous boy Hamish. Much love and light to you xx
ReplyDeleteI also found you via BabyMac. nobody should have to suffer the pain and absolute anguish you are going through. life can be so unfair. hugs & prayers. Xx
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to imagine your pain. Please know I am thinking of you and sending you and your family strength and prayers. Jx
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry to hear your loss, I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now!
ReplyDeleteSending prayers to you,your family,and to Hamish.I pray you can get out of bed everyday and find small simple joys in your life,even though the black hole of despair wants to suck you up.Your heart is broken,more then any persons ever should be.Hamish was so blessed to be a loved and cherish son,brother and friend.He will be remembered by you all every day,and as much as the pain will never stop,it will ease till you are able to hide it.I have you all in my thoughts.xxo
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel, I too found you through BabyMac. My first son Charlie was stillborn over 21 years ago, so I have some understanding of how you are feeling after Hamish's death. I remember feeling so empty and so alone, my arms aching to hold my baby but he wasn't there and never would be. I had my daughter, who was then two, but I didn't want her, in fact I wondered how I would ever love her again. I remember just feeling like my arms were empty. I do know what it feels like to wonder how you're ever going to feel happiness again, and all I can say is you will. That emptiness and pain never really goes away - 21 years later when I think of my son and of what we've all missed out on and lost, I still cry. I still remember him every week and I still have a little cry, then I pick myself up and I get on with life. As you know, life still goes on and you still have to get up and do all the things you're supposed to do. I used to watch people and think- stop, how can you all go on with your life, my baby is dead, the world should just stop. I can't tell you to get through this, but I know for me it was not shutting my husband or daughter out - I knew if I didn't cling to him it could push us apart; and it was important to talk about Charlie and remind everyone, including myself, that he existed. I know our circumstances are very different but if you'd like to talk please email me and I'll give you my contact details. All my love and thoughts. xxx
ReplyDeleteThe only light in my day is the hugs I get from my children. If I get through this it will be because of them. Thank you Dianne for your words. Rx
DeleteSo heartbroken for you and your family and friends, there are no words, sending love to you and yours xxxx
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you I'm so sorry there are no words to help u. Thoughts and prayers are with u xx
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you I'm so sorry there are no words to help u. Thoughts and prayers are with u xx
ReplyDeletethank you xx
DeleteMy heart truly goes out to you and your family. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and words will never change the situation, just know that I am hear if you need someone to chat too. In my thoughts and prayers. BIG HUGS OF SUPPORT
ReplyDeleteVicki
www.shoppegirls.blogspot.com
thank you Vicki xx
DeleteRachel,
ReplyDeleteI am awaiting the birth of my first little one in 5 weeks time and can only imagine the pain and emptiness you are feeling. I just wanted to pass on my condolences.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hopefully, one day the pain will ease a little. You'll get there, and you'll never forget your gorgeous Hamish.
Holly via BabyMac xx
Good luck with your birth. I'm so happy you have such a joyous arrival on the way. Hamish is with me every second of every day. Rx
Deleteechoing everyone's words above, there are absolutely no words that i can give you that will help. just know that you are not alone in getting through this unbearable time. sending you love and prayers and hoping that each day will slowly dull the aching of losing your beautiful boy. xo {sending love via babymac}
ReplyDeleteThe most beautiful boy. Thank you. x
DeleteDear Rachel I am so sorry about Hamish, just came here from Baby Mac - my heart goes out to you and to your entire family - When we lost our baby son Harry due to his heart stopping - I too felt those same feelings, it's the empty arms, the constant physiological ache of wanting to have them in your arms, to breathe them in, it helped us as a family to do things in honour of Harry, raise money for an interactive board at his siblings school which is now called the Harry board, everyone grieves differently - so what suits you and your family is the best way... but one thing is a mother grieves deeply because she loves so deeply. Day by day, memories are everything, talk about him, you will get through the tunnel, it's often like a big black circle encompassing your whole body at first but that black circle with eventually just fit around your heart, but at the moment do what you have to do to grief, no timeline on grief, it's never about moving on, it's about learning to live with it. Much love to all of you during this time and thinking about Hamish. Sending lots of love and light to you, one thing we got done is to get Harry's name written in the sand by Carly from "To Write your name in the sand" https://www.facebook.com/CarlyMarieProjectHeal lots of support on her page too, take care of yourself, eat well during this time, hope that your friends and family maybe cook for your family and provide lots of support - those practical things that help the day by day of life .Much Love xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you Louisa, I will head to her page now. You described how I feel perfectly. There is no light, just dark. Rx
DeleteFrom a mother who has also lost a child, though in very different circumstances, my heart absolutely breaks for you. I am so very, very sorry. Sending you so much love.
ReplyDeletexo
Thank you. x
DeletePeace be with you xo
ReplyDeletexo
DeleteOh Rachel,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is sorry. I know nothing anyone can say can fix this, or even lighten this, but know that you are in a lot of people's thoughts and prayers.
I can not even begin to imagine what you're living through right now.
Be kind to yourself, and lean on those who love you.
xx
I wish nobody knew this pain. Thanks Claire x
DeleteThoughts and love are with you and your family. You are all supported and loved. Reach out when you can.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jodi, I will x
Deletesending my love and prayers to you at this unimagineable loss. I just can't imagine your pain. I'm so sorry this had to happen.
ReplyDeleteCorriexxxxxx
Me too Corrie. Thanks x
DeleteOh Rachel, we simply cannot imagine the pain that you and your family must be going through. Our love and thoughts are with you all. (I came here via BabyMac.)
ReplyDeleteSo much pain. Thanks x
DeleteWhat a beautiful boy. What unimaginable sadness. Sending love to you and your family. xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Corinne. x
DeleteRachel, I want you to know I am thinking of you. If you need anything give me a yell. Love to you and your family. XOXOX
ReplyDeleteThank you Katrina. Much love, x
DeleteI can offer you no answers, no words of wisdom, and have no way of knowing your grief. All I can offer is that I am thinking of you, and my heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteKia Kia - "be strong"
Thank you Laney
DeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and strength during this unimaginable time. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.
ReplyDeleteSo heartbroken for you and your lovely family.
Thinking of you.
xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you Amy. x
DeleteI also came over via BabyMac. Rachel, I am so, so sorry. I know those words are inadequate. I cannot imagine what you are going through or how to comfort you, but I do hope that it brings comfort to know that extra souls are thinking of you and your gorgeous wee man at this time, and your family as well. Sending you much love and kindness.
ReplyDeleteThank you Bronnie x
DeleteYour little boy is very beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh my heart is with you - I came this way via BabyMac. With love x
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry you have to go through this. xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Sending you much love xx
ReplyDeletemy heart is aching for your loss and no words seem adequate. you and your beautiful family will be in my thoughts and prayers, much love and strength x
ReplyDeleteMothers all over the world reading about your loss will feel the same sorrow and pain for you and your family. Nothing can replace your beautiful boy but you will always be his mum, and nothing can take that away. You may not be able to hold him in your arms now, but he will be safe in your heart forever. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but i hope the love of your family and friends can get you through this sad time. Take one day at a time, be kind to yourself, accept help if it's offered and just keep going. Thinking of you xo
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said.
DeleteI don't know you, and I can't pretend to know what your going through, but we have one thing in common - we are Mothers. My heart breaks for you, I only hope that the support and love being sent your way will carry you forward until your strong enough to walk alone. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteSweet Rachel, I think of you every hour of the day. My heart is numb and I've been so cranky since I found out about Hamish. Sad at the world that this could possibly happen. One day I know you will smile again...truly. It may take a while but the ache will fade, it will never go away but it will fade. I gave birth to my Noah at 5 months pregnant in 2004. It seems nothing compared to your loss of Hamish but I felt immense pain and completely numb. I was prepared and ready to welcome the baby that kicked inside me, but instead I never got to hear him cry. And whilst most have forgotten him I will never.
ReplyDeleteI know you have alot of support around you. I hope the candle offered something and if you need me I'm here. Even if you just want to sit and cry and tell me all about him.
xx
love to you. lots of it. x
ReplyDeleteFor Rachel, and your family. I'm so incredibly sorry. Words can't express.
ReplyDeleteI am another grieving mother. I now have 3 earth boys and 1 spirit boy. I know your pain.
I promise you, you won't have to pretend to be happy for the rest of your life. Happiness will return, but the missing will never go away. You will never get over the loss of your precious little Hamish, and you won't get through it. But you will learn to live around it.
You must be in such shock. I found words of comfort and support over at www.glowinthewoods.com . You might too.
I wish you well as you navigate the coming very raw months ahead. And I wish you well as you navigate parenting your other children when one is gone. They will ground you and help you to smile again. I know mine did.
I'm just so terribly sorry.
xxx
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteA friend sent me to you and I'm so very very sorry for your loss. We lost our darling Hannah five years ago and it was utterly devastating. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel this painful road.
Many hugs,
Rachael
I am so very sorry for what you and your family are going through. As a mother I can't even imagine your pain, reading your message brings tears to my eyes. Sending prayers and strength to you, our thoughts are with you. xo
ReplyDeleteDear Rachel, I wrote to you through Facebook but I feel compelled to write again since having read your touching poem. Even though I don't know you, I wish I could help ease your pain. I have 3 babies in Heaven,under different circumstances to your own, so I want you to know & believe you will get through this... there is always sunshine after the rain. I pray you will find peace in the thought that your beautiful little Hamish is safe in the arms of Jesus and you will hold him again someday. Please know that you are in my thoughts & prayers XO "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Rev 21:4
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful Hamish. I too found my way here via Beth and babymac. I lost my gorgeous son suddenly 4 years ago, aged 16 months. This is an awful journey you have to take, Accept help where you can and take it each minute at a time. I found the help from SIDS and kids made a huge difference to us, even in the early days. They have a 24 hour help line 1300308307. The poem below was read at Lachlan's funeral. It's how I felt. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteStop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Thank you for this Julia...I've been trying to find it. It's how I feel. Thank you also for the help line...I will call. Much love, Rx
DeleteHi Rachel, I'm a friend of Jodie G. I wrote a comment on Tuesday but I deleted it - everything I said sounded wrong! I'd had a bad day parenting and your blog post seemed to be just what I needed to read, in a crying-lots-of-tissues sort of way. Thankyou so much for sharing your heart and sorry I had trouble sharing mine. My comment was just saying I know how hard parenting can get but it's unimaginable how shattering it would be when a parenting journey ends. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope this came out right. You and your family are in my thoughts. Also, I was praying for you all during Hamish's funeral.
ReplyDeleteYour words were comforting Givinya, please don't worry. Thank you for your prayers, I will accept it all. Rx
DeleteRachel, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You have been in my thoughts and the image of the photos I have seen of gorgeous Hamish have been flicking through my mind. I start imagining the anguish I would feel if I lost any one of my five children. I have to stop imagining, it is all too horrible. But I know that is your existence right now so I pray for you. I have prayed and prayed, because to receive help from a supernatural God is the only way that I could fathom surviving the grief. I'm so sorry that you will not cuddle your darling boy again, but I will continue to pray that somehow you will find some type of peace. xxx
ReplyDelete