The night time battle

The heart was made by my daughter's Year 1 class 

I had a terrible night. Master F was up with tummy ache and as he lay there squirming beside me, my mind went to terrible places.  I kept going over the afternoon of the accident. Thinking about all the things that went wrong and willing time backwards so I could fix it all.  Hamish never left my thoughts and I missed him more than ever before. I lay there recreating his beautiful face, imagining his touch, his laugh, his cry, everything about him.  It left me so desperately in pain, I didn't know what to do.  When I finally drifted off to sleep, I had nightmares, horrific nightmares.  So horrific, I can't write about them.

When I woke this morning, I found this poem by E. E. Cummings and found a small amount of comfort:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)